A Terrible Gift

Just bare with me on this. I'm feeling terrible and I need to get this out. again.

I am of the disabled persuasion.
I've gone through more medical procedures than most people will ever experience in their life.
I'm not sure if I have any fight left in me.
My perseverance has been tested time and time again.
I've commuted through endless tunnels.
Witnessed their bleak darkness
Chased by blinding lightness
and the variable degrees of dimness in between.

I am a seasoned warrior.
I fight in a stalemated battle.
The struggle has become routine.
My prayers for peaceful resolution have fallen on deaf ears.
The end of the battle is my decision alone.

I've witnessed the lingering pain of being around me.
I'm usually alright with solitude
But loneliness rears its head on occasion.
My lingering pain is viral.
It would be negligent to infect a beautiful, kindhearted, caring
and generous woman with myself.
Yet I've longed for her. To have, to hold, til the deathly interruption arrives.

Thus I am a melancholy loner.
Immersed in attempts to understand regular people through fiction and oral tradition.
Uninterested in experiencing the drama of a real life first hand.
Afraid of knowing that she cares.
She would have to agree to a life of all too occasional strife.
Agree to listen to me rant about the horrific indifference of humanity
towards struggle, disadvantage and physical limitations
Agree to feeling relief once I'm gone.
Despite how I'd argue against anyone being justified feeling that.

I am truly a terrible gift to give. I am a heavy piece of luggage in need of constant mending.