Trust

Trust is a fickle monster
we need him but
he's inherently problematic
betraying or excluding him
creates conflict and insecurity

He can be manipulated
anybody can be really
He allows openness
and limited disclosure
privileged information is rationalized
a necessary evil

He is foundational
Solid as a rock
A minor tremor of the Earth
with large repercussions show
just how weak his foundations really are

Strike the right pressure point
He will crumble into an angry, nervous, agitated, sensitive,
shell of a man who can only be described as
a lonely wreck waiting
for the infrastructure of a new morality to be built

The body is rebuilt, only slightly rethought
Structural weaknesses are alleviated
but never fully repaired

I know that this might sound a bit pessimistic but I've been thinking about this since yesterday. Had a bit of conflict. I'm not the type that looks for conflict but what happened made me feel deeply betrayed. It made me think that this person is not to be trusted unsupervised around my things. I don't like fighting because I'm not a rational fighter. I hate how some people whether they be family or friends think that you should censor yourself even while angry. But that betrays the nature of anger. In anger, my sentences are incoherent but it's usually the best time to see things for exactly what they are because respected limits are violated. It sucks because its the time that you see the largest faults of people around you. I don't know if I really forgive. I just reconcile with the fault of the other person.

I hate fighting mostly because I'm usually the one expected to initiate the forgiving because I usually get reactive first. I hate that the one that appears to keep the cooler head is usually seen to be more right. More often than not, the one with the cooler head in an argument is the one who did the harsher wrong and that's horrific to me.