June is going to start off busy. I'm going to have to decide and register in classes for the Fall/Winter Semester at the beginning of the month. With registration comes all the business about course costs, fees, and waiving Medical and Dental. Lots of busy work for ultimately the maintenance of a status quo. It's annoying but I have to do it in order to reach a greater goal. I plan on becoming a teacher eventually at the end of this schooling. It has been a long road, and I didn't start with this ambition originally.
I originally wanted to pursue art and perhaps get into the animation business. Never got to the animation part. Discovered that I really love drawing and painting. Then it shifted a little into the design oriented sections of visuals. I really liked learning about the ideologies and practices to bring out visuals quicker from your mind, on a slightly accelerated process. A focus on generating images, and lots of variations was interesting but it was also grueling in stress. There was also the issue of using photoshop vs. not using photoshop, computers, etc. The program that I took didn't have a computer unit unless you took those particular courses. Other students were obviously also using photoshop, etc... to create posters, and other visuals however it wasn't a tool that they taught us how to use. Always thought that was a great injustice an if I could say it "unequalizer"...
is that a word? whatever I'm using it. The fact that equal opportunity to access the level of craft expected of us was frustrating. During this program was my introduction into making things 3-Dimensionally. Can't say that I loved constructing things but I loved coming up with sketches for things that could potentially be 3-Dimensional. I don't trust myself with any sort of knife but the exacto knife was well on its way to becoming second nature to me. My problem with 3-Dimensional work was that I couldn't really course correct mistakes while constructing models because it was too costly. 3-D work brought out the hypocritical side of my instructors too, who were pretty cool. They'd see me plugging along, trying to figure out exactly how I was going to build something but they'd always come along and point out to me that materials are limited. Logical, yes but not positive for somebody trying to figure out a method for HIMSELF. Some people want to figure out their own solutions, and only want suggestions. I'm one of those people. I didn't like it because the instructor would offer HIS solution as the suggestion. That's all fine in the planning stages but I'm a person that likes executing things in my own way.
The inability to make mistakes and correct them along the way made me incredibly frustrated. I also found that I was constantly working on projects. The constant work was making me incredibly aggitated all the time. I didn't like how I was personally around that time. All the other students were really interesting and there was quite the range of ages in the classes. That was the best thing about it. It really did change my thinking but the projects made me incredibly annoyed during most of my time off. The Handydart didn't help by constantly arriving on campus to pick me up at the end of the day before I could even clarify things with my instructors. It was a stressful time in my life but my education in creating art + whatever I could get through with design based projects will always be something I remember with fond memories of the people, our discussions, and projects I did during those classes in drawing, painting, and design.
I graduated from High School in 2000. I'm still not where I thought I'd be. College, University, whatever you call it is a bit isolated. I'm still nowhere near as social as I wanted for myself after High School, and into adulthood. I am more confident conducting myself as a singular person about in public. Can't say that I'm excellent at taking criticism. Mostly because I want to be given reasoning for the criticisms and a lot of people don't like to articulate those aspects in a careful manner, and hide behind negative statements. I despise such hiding. Can't say that I won't be anxious when somebody articulates their criticisms. If I understand where they're coming from, I could address those concerns in my own way. A recurring thought that comes into my mind is that I never took the time to build up a real base of friends that are around on a regular basis. I've reconciled with that. People come and go, enjoy being friendly in person as much as possible. It's alright if contact is lost after a period of regular, friendly interactions. The memories of a person that you were friendly with and a check in every once in a while is perfectly fine. I can let somebody go. I guess it's gonna be another story if I find someone or some people that I can't let go.
I guess some might now know a bit of my perspective of a part of my life story. Last thing, I might be going back for a few weeks in June to my birth city of Regina, Saskatchewan. If it happens, it will be cool to reconnect with my cousins there. The trip won't be for entirely happy reasons. One of my Aunts has Lung Cancer, mostly from secondary smoke, etc. It seems to be quite advanced. I don't really want to think of the possibility that she'll pass this year but that is a possibility. I'll be going with my mom if I do go.
I'm horrible with deaths in the family, deaths in general. I get into a funk of just observing, and intentionally not talking much (I'm pretty quiet most of the time anyways). I end up having restless nights with dreams about my times with that person, and funerals in general. Most often, Funerals of relatives and friends that haven't passed. After that, I start dreaming about my own funeral. First time, If I were to die fairly soon. I try to think of what my family would say about me. Oddly, I think of what people that I might have only communicated with online might say about me in a eulogy. Second time, what might death when I'm older be like. Regardless, One Sweet Day by Mariah Carey + Boyz II Men plus all sorts of other PoP, R+B, and Rap songs about loss will play. Everybody in the family will also have a movie marathon of all my favorite films and go on living because of them. Sometimes in the dream, I leave a video message telling them to have a movie watching marathon to ease the pain...and remember my love of movies in general, and animation in particular. I guess.
This has gone on long enough. I'm gonna shut the fuck up and let you all go on your way now. I'm sure it has been as uncomfortably candid for you as it was for me. Please, find the mistakes in my writing. I'm a firm practitioner of the word vomit method of writing that needs deep rehabilitation
later
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